BY: Ebube Okeke
So your relationship with your ex has broken down, right? But you’re now reflecting on your time together and it’s got you thinking, “Man I’ve realized I still love my ex so much! I just need to know what do I do from here to regain her interest because I definitely still have feelings for her.”
Am I on the right track with that? If so keep reading, because in this article we’re going to get you organized in terms of what your next move should be if you still love your ex.
Chances of getting your ex-girlfriend back quiz
Still love her? Taking a step back is what to do when you miss your ex
As you’re here reading this article, I can safely assume that you’re HIGHLY emotionally charged right now. This whole breakup scenario and your longing to have your ex back has seen to that.
That’s why the first thing I need you to do so that we can get the BEST outcome for your situation, is to just take a step back and understand that your judgement is clouded when you’re so emotional like this.
In other words, I need you to calm down first and let your emotions drop back to something like their normal levels, before you decide whether you want your ex back (or not). Common sense says this is what to do when you miss your ex.
What NOT to do after a break up when you still love and want back your ex
In these breakup situations, there’s a lot of power in avoiding the key mistakes that most guys make…mistakes which just serve to worsen the situation. When you avoid these mistakes, you’re essentially ‘getting out of your own way’ and thereby enabling your ex’s underlying feelings for you to come to the surface.
Simply by avoiding the following actions, your chances of getting your girlfriend back will increase a lot.
NOTE: In most cases, avoiding these key mistakes alone won’t be enough to actually win a girl back. Regardless though, this is a big part of the ex-girlfriend recovery process. So without further ado, here’s what you’ve got to AVOID doing after a breakup, to prevent yourself from sabotaging the steps that DO work to get an ex back.
Trying to persuade (or beg) your ex to take you back
In the time soon after a breakup, a girl is completely and utterly SURE that she doesn’t want to be with you. She may say things that will make you think, “damn, she’s not kidding, she really means this and I can see clear as day that it’s forever.”
She’ll say stuff that will make you think that it really, really is done for good. BUT.
I’ve seen time and again where a guy emails me saying, “I love my ex but she said this and this, it’s really over man.” Then a few weeks later he emails me again saying they’re back together and he can’t thank me enough.
WHY are there patterns like this in the emails I receive?
It’s because women’s FEELINGS change and fluctuate in ways that we men just can’t imagine. Their feelings are super volatile, and crucially to my point here, women use their feelings to decide what their actions will be.
That means that your ex could say, “I never want to see you again”, and of course it leaves you thinking you really won’t see her again. And in that moment she really meant it too, but a week later WHEN HER FEELINGS HAVE CHANGED, things could be VERY different and she could be missing you and wanting to see you.
The fact that a week ago she said she hates your guts and never wants to see you again? Doesn’t matter because how she feels in the moment overrides words she previously said… How she feels in the moment overrides how she felt when she said those words.
But back to the here and now. Shortly after a breakup, your ex’s feelings are telling her it’s over with you, and honestly in that moment, there’s nothing you can say that will change her mind. You’ve got to WAIT for her feelings to change again, which is why step 1 of re-attracting an ex is to use the no contact rule… You just need to wait a little for those emotions of hers to alter in your favor, before any of the other steps from the ex- back process, can work.
So that’s the first reason why you shouldn’t try to persuade your ex that she’s making a big mistake and that you should stay together – there’s just no way that anything you try (other than no contact) is going to help so soon after breaking up.
However, there’s an even more important reason why you shouldn’t try to convince your ex to take you back. It’s not just that you’d be wasting your energy doing it, it’s that actually, you’d be actively ruining your chances of being able to get her back. Let me explain.
When you reason with a girl about how you guys should stay together, you are unwittingly setting up a dynamic (in her mind) in which you are pursuing and chasing her.
Now, like all women do, she understands (probably subconsciously) that men who chase and pursue her have a lower Dating Market Value (DMV) than she does. Because, why would a guy with higher DMV than her, need to chase her? He wouldn’t – she knows she’d have to chase HIM to beat out the female competition. And remember, a woman wants – NEEDS, a guy with a DMV that is at least as high as hers, maybe even a little higher.
So the point here is, your attempts to talk and persuade your ex back are communicating to her that your DMV is lower than hers, thus ensuring that she doesn’t come back. Those attempts are also communicating your desperation to her, which shows her that you don’t have any other options on her level in the dating market. This further communicates LDMV (Low Dating Market Value).Instead, what you need to do is be smart about this and tempt her back to you with high DMV bait. You need to showcase that you’re a high value man. This way she finds herself wanting you back without any need for you to convince her of it! She decides it on her own.
All you have to do is smartly reel out HDMV bait. That is the only way getting a girl back can work.
– Blowing up your ex’s phone with calls and texts, telling her you’re still in love with her
Blowing up your ex’s phone (instead of doing no contact) is a big mistake. When there’s been a breakup, no contact is ALWAYS needed, to get rid of the staleness that is compromising her ability to want you again.
When you blow her phone up, especially to excess, like when you leave 20 missed calls or 10 unanswered texts, it just makes the hole you’re in even deeper, because it conveys massive desperation.
Like I said above, desperation shows your ex that you’re devoid of other options in the dating market, which puts your DMV lower than hers in her mind. This way she couldn’t feel the desire to have you back, even if she wanted to.
But how do you know if you’re doing too much texting or calling?
If you are texting or calling her MORE OFTEN than she is to you, that’s how you know you’re trying to communicate with her too much. Because, if you’re reaching out more than she is, you’re essentially putting in more effort. She then feels A. chased and B. like she means more to you than you do to her. These things communicate low DMV which weakens your chances of getting her back.
– Breaking down emotionally in front of your ex, showing you still have feelings for her
Women value power and strength in a man. They DESPISE signs of weakness.
With that in mind though, you and I are only human. After a separation, breaking down emotionally is inevitable.
Even so, we shouldn’t be breaking down in front of the ex, because women find men getting emotional to be a sign of weakness and thus very unattractive.
Letting out tears in front of your ex would (at best) extract sympathy from her. But I promise you, sympathy and being comforted by a girl are no route to attraction, nor are they a way in to convince her back.
Therefore, hold your emotions back and let them out elsewhere – either on your own or around anyone else EXCEPT your ex (and except any other girl you may want to date at some point).
I know the above comes across from me as kinda cold or harsh. I would have to say, I’m not the greatest at comforting people (better at advising them on how to get out of their predicament, whatever it may be). To that end, I’ll finish this section with this: If you’re still in love with your ex-girlfriend and want her back, keep your tears and emotions away from her.
– Talking to her friends or family
Your ex’s friends and family hold absolutely NO power over her attraction to you or lack thereof. Persuasion from them is no better than persuasion from you. In fact, if your ex knows that you’ve had words with her friends or family and asked them to help change her mind about you, the effect will be even worse, because going to the lengths of requesting their help shows a lot of desperation from you.
Her friends and family can’t help. Only YOU can help yourself in this situation to get your partner back.
I’ve seen cases where the friends and family ADORE the (ex) boyfriend and do their utmost to convince the girl to take him back, but to no avail. I’ve also seen other cases where a girl’s friends and family HATE her boyfriend and try their best to convince her to dump him, saying he’s a “wrong’un”, but she STILL stays with him. Why? One, because she loves him, and two because the friends and family created a forbidden fruit effect that made her want him even more!
And I tell you about those 2 types of cases to show just how powerless other people are in getting you back with your ex! All that can come from getting their ‘help’ is that you look desperate from it – that’s it. So it’s honestly best, for your chances of getting her back, if you leave other people UN-involved.
Getting a girl back is all down to you and how much DMV you’re able to convey from here on out.
Just above are the most common steps men take after a breakup, in attempts (which always fail) to reverse the situation and save their relationship. If you can just avoid doing those things from now on, then you’re half way there.
But look, making those mistakes is not your fault, and they don’t mean that you can’t get your ex back either. They just mean that you’ve got a little more ground to cover than someone who hasn’t made any of those mistake.