One of my greatest fear as a teenager was having disagreements with my parents because I always assumed they had to have the overriding influence and final decision in my life but as I grew older, I realized that I had to assert myself and take responsibility for my life, whether or not my parents approved of my decisions.

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Maybe it’s a parenting method in this society that makes us think otherwise, but there is absolutely nothing wrong in doing things your parents don’t agree with. It’s unhealthy to live life always tailored to their demands.

This is not only dangerous but immature. Conflicts should be embraced. Congratulations! You are your own person. It is human.

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I have made my parents understand my boundaries and when they can interfere. It was not easy, sincerely, but I had to do that or I was always going to be under their control. First major fight was and is still my hair. Second fight was jewelries, adornments and clothing style.

Third fight was curfew and an unhealthy monitoring of my movements. If your parents are pastors, then this is a full time war. 

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I have had to sit down and talk with my mom, especially, on why she needs to understand and maybe accept my decisions as an adult without their influence. I put into perspective her worries and cares but I also don’t tow her line always. I also make allowances for their influence, sometimes we meet halfway or I go all the way to them or they come all the way to me. And sometimes no one moves. Fine.

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One of the conversations we have also had is my choice of a partner. A little while ago, my mom started talking about tribal expectations etc.

I told her this, “if I feel convinced about a person and he loves me and brings me peace and happiness, I will not be asking for approval from anybody, just your acknowledgment and acceptance.

My kids will need a grandma and it’s only you I have. You need to trust my decision”. I understand bias and prejudices especially those influenced by religion, culture and tribe and how hard those can be to let go. But I also understand that the bulk of decision lies with me. I will never outsource this role.

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My home church frowns at trousers and uncovering hair to worship, my mother holds on to those teachings dearly but we have both come to the point where she understands that these are superficial requirements, bearing no real effect on a relationship with God.

She covers her hair. I open mine. Life continues. I don’t run away from clashing interest with them. I feel happy saying this. Our love doesn’t diminish because we disagree or ‘fight’.

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Interestingly, when I decided to branch out from my home church six years ago and find my own place of worship, my mother was alarmed. I simply told her, “when we get to heaven, attendance won’t be based on our denominations or tags”.

That settled everything. Yes, she was concerned but I also needed to come to my own spiritual growth as a person. Where I was, did not feed my journey.

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I have friends of all shapes, sizes, ideologies, religious divide, and inclinations. I make my parents meet my friends as they are.

They don’t have to change their minds to accommodate their excesses, but they also accord me my dues in forging for myself people I draw near to. When I get burnt, they wait for me to learn my lesson.

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Today is not about our parents but about me and you. Sometimes, you will need to be tough with your parents.

Their love and care can sometimes be overbearing and intrusive, but you can decide what to accept, what to negotiate and what to do away with it. Appeasing them always is to your detriment as an individual.

You are not their shadow or echo. You don’t have to inherit their bias or prejudice. Be your person. Start early.

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If I bring a man who uses nose ring or wears dreadlocs to the house, my parents will shake their head first and maybe groan but they will understand that my decision is not light because I have brought us to the point where we can hold a conversation about my choice of a partner and what they look like without undermining my partner.

Regularly, I tell my folks, ‘your generation is not mine o’. We laugh about it but we understand the importance of that reminder.

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Yes, seek approval from your parents where necessary, but draw the line or it will become so blurred and you end up living miserably or missing out on beautiful things because you wanted to appease their every expectation. Start early again.

Be loving and polite but be firm. They will over time accommodate your many differences. And if you make your mistakes, congratulations, you are human. Welcome to Earth.

Submitted by Cleopas Enwongo