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The Emptiness of Fatherhood

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By Osy Agbo


Yesterday, drums were rolled out in many parts of the world in celebration of our dear sweet mothers. Though dampened by the exigencies of the moment, our love for these special creatures still prevailed.

How can we not show appreciation for the one that gives her unconditional love and makes limitless sacrifices? Mother’s day has become such a very important yearly ritual with a popularity that can only be rivalled by the unpopularity of Father’s day.

In fact, Father’s day is a caricature that no one’s cares about. Maybe we could argue that men are simply not disposed to the mundane or that such is in tandem with the society’s apparent lack of interest in the appreciation of fatherhood.

Over the years, I have kept a small group of guy friends, all married and with kids of roughly same age as mine. Ours is close knit and needless to say we enjoy each other’s company tremendously. Every now and then we will find a reason to break away from family and the daily hustle to congregate and fellowship in the comfort of a cold brew. Though it happens infrequently, we seize on every available opportunity and has come to christened such time as our ”protected men-time”.

There is hardly anything spectacular about an hour or so spent together relieving old times but it’s comforting enough to throw in some semblance of balance to a busy professional life. Occasionally we also discuss life, fatherhood and everything else in between as well as share frustrations in the challenges that come with highly demanding careers.

My buddy Joe is highly vested in making sure these periodic meets happen. He not only takes it upon himself to calls up everyone but researches on the best  ”joint” to hang. Joe is gregarious, chatty and loquacious but not this last time. This time, he was visibly absent minded and appeared sober and reflective. Everyone kept asking what the matter was. After much hesitation and with a little shaky voice, he read out of his phone:

”Let’s say you went to this party in company of a friend. You guys met up with a bunch of other friends and some new people. As time went on, it became clear that everyone is focused only on your friend and totally ignored you. In fact, no one even bothered to acknowledge your presence and you felt invisible. You felt worthless, humiliated and even hurt. You began to despise those people for the treatment of you”.

Then he paused for a few second, looked up and then continued….
”This may sound overly dramatic guys but that describes in a nutshell how I feel being a dad right now. For these kids, it’s all about mum and I feel totally ignored and almost forgotten”.

There was an eerie silence in the room for a good one minute or thereabout. Joe did not elaborate on what transpired prior to coming  but it was clear that whatever was the home situation left him feeling alone and unappreciated.

Every one of us was very quiet and seemed buried in some deep introspection. On a personal note, I reflected on the few moments spent breeding the uncomfortable (albeit childish) feeling that my own status as a dad will forever lurk in wifey’s shadows.  It was like that epiphany moment when a certain universal truth suddenly came to light. I tried to break the silence attempting to explain why mothers are deserving of all the attention and affection. In the end, we all agreed that though mum will always be special but that society tend to downplay the role of dads in the family and in many cases are treated like the third wheel. It gets even worse in the twilight years when all the attention is focused on mothers with very little care of how dad is faring.

There was an interesting study done many years ago on this subject matter. In a poll of 2,000 dads, about two thirds of fathers feel left out of family life. A whopping 58 per cent think mums get the better deal as they have forged a strong relationship and routine with the kids whilst dads work long hours to provide for the family. The consequence is that dads no longer felt that they have an active and vital role in the upbringing of their own children.

In that same poll, 62 per cent of dads stated that their kids always run to their mother for advice for almost about everything. From school work to clothes to wear and food. When feeling unwell, about 74 per cent of children only want their mum for cuddles and reassurance. The result is half of dads feel unwanted and useless when spending time  with the children on their days off.The conclusion was that the super mums of today may have take-up every parental responsibility leading to dads feeling left out and unsure of what role is theirs.

It’s no secret that mums are more biologically attuned to the kids. This affinity often triggers a cycle of attention and alone time( for mums and kids) that leaves dad feeling totally left out. Moreso when the daily hustle is such that forces dad to be away from home for too long. Though times have changed and we are noticing a steady decline in the number of stay-at-home mums, men predominantly are still the primary provider in most homes. This translates to long hours of being away from home.

Unfortunately when it comes to kids, time spent together is time to bond. There’s no other way to hack around it and it’s not mum’s fault.

Most successful co-parenting model is the type that allows for some kind of specialization whenever possible instead of one person offering all the experience. If one parent gets the kids ready for school, let the other parent handle the homework, for example. Sarah Shoppe-Sullivan, a professor of psychology at The Ohio State University is a chief proponent of this idea. Allowing dad or mum to be that other parent works wonders and keeps everyone happy, she said.

Being a dad is inarguably one of the most fullfilling gift a man can ever ask for, yet a good number of men grapple with confusion ,self doubt and even a feeling of emptiness.

Part of the problem is the very nature of men that make us less expressive of our feelings. That said, our society has to start according more recognition to the pivotal role men play in the family unit and their yearning to be actively involved raising their children.

Osmund Agbo MD, FCCP writes from Houston

GrassRoots.ng is on a critical mission; to objectively and honestly represent the voice of ‘grassrooters’ in International, Federal, State and Local Government fora; heralding the achievements of political and other leaders and investors alike, without discrimination. This daily, digital news publication platform serves as the leading source of up-to-date information on how people and events reflect on the global community. The pragmatic articles reflect on the life of the community people, covering news/current affairs, business, technology, culture and fashion, entertainment, sports, State, National and International issues that directly impact the locals.

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Cybersecurity in 2024: Towards Ever Greater Sophistication of Tactics

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Chester Wisniewski, Director Global Field CTO

Writer: CHESTER WISNIEWSKI, Director Global Field CTO, Sophos

With 2024 fast approaching, what are the results for 2023 and what are the developments in the threat landscape for this new year?

The year 2023 was marked by persistence in the tactics of cybercriminals, with the predominance of ransomware, the exploitation of vulnerabilities, theft of credentials and even attacks targeting the supply chain. The common point in all his attacks is their formidable effectiveness.

It is therefore essential to ask what trends will persist in 2024 and what strategies businesses should adopt to deal with these future cyber threats.

Between persistent trends and evolving cybercrime tactics

In 2024, the threat landscape is not expected to change radically, particularly with regard to attack typologies and criminal tactics and procedures.

Criminal groups still primarily focus their attention on financial gains and ransomware remains their weapon of choice. These cybercriminals tend to take the easy way out by opportunistically attacking unpatched security vulnerabilities.

The recent Citrix Bleed attack demonstrated the agility of cybercriminals when it comes to quickly and effectively exploiting these new vulnerabilities.
However, once patches are applied to these vulnerabilities, cyberattackers tend to revert to more common strategies of stealing credentials or, failing that, cookies or session cookies, which, while slightly slower, constitute always a proven means that allows them to penetrate within a system.

In 2024, however, we should expect increased sophistication in defense evasion tactics, particularly due to the generalization of certain technologies such as multi-factor authentication. These attacks will combine malicious proxy servers, social engineering techniques and repeated authentication request attacks or “fatigue attacks”.

AI and regulations will continue to shape cybersecurity

In 2024, the development of AI will have a positive impact on the efficiency of IT teams and security teams by enabling them to strengthen defenses and work more efficiently, including through the processing of vast volumes of data in the aim of detecting anomalies. It should make it possible to respond more quickly in the event of an incident.

Indeed, analysis of attacks in 2023 showed a shortening of the time between network penetration and the triggering of a final attack – using malware or ransomware. The need for rapid detection and response tools to prevent costly incidents is therefore essential.

Finally, regulatory developments could have a major influence on measures taken against ransomware. The need to take more substantial measures could push some states to penalize the payment of ransoms, which would represent a brake on malicious actors and change the perspective of companies in the event of an attack.

Other stricter legislation, such as the implementation of the European NIS2 Directive, is also expected to force companies to take additional measures, particularly regarding their abilities to collect data sets.

To protect themselves against increasingly rapid, effective and costly attacks, companies will need to strengthen their defenses by equipping themselves with tools that allow them to detect and respond to incidents more quickly.

The worsening cybersecurity talent shortage does not appear to be as serious as some studies claim. On the contrary, companies have implemented more lax hiring criteria and more open-mindedness in the recruitment process.

From this perspective, to guarantee their survival in a constantly evolving threat landscape, companies have every interest in establishing partnerships with cybersecurity experts whose main mission is to make the hyperconnected world safer, to advise and assist them. in setting up effective defenses.

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Atiku and Asiwaju’s Economic Management as the Only Good Still Left of Nigeria’s Economy

Article By Hashim Suleiman

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Atiku Tinubu
Atiku Abubakar and Bola Tinubu; PDP and APC 2023 Presidential candidates

When once a society derails from encouraging robust conversations from all divides and objective ones at that, it has basically lost the most common basis for development and some of us have taken it a duty to bring these points to bare, perhaps we may see the light and begin to open up these conversations for the gullible, the half-gullible, upcoming ones and those who may have missed out on certain points.

As our democracy is growing through natural tendencies and less citizenry efforts, so many of the citizens seem to be forming this holier than thou character which appears to denigrate the efforts that certain patriots have sacrificed to achieve regardless of how imperfect, recall that same people could even do worse if given same opportunity because a lot of their opinions are not borne out of criticality but rather beer parlor talks, bandwagon and a general character of mischief that promotes pulling down people.

I have said in several fora that I’d be grateful if God can bless me as much as He did Obasanjo and so many others, this is to dissuade those young people who could be easy to throw tantrums and insult on these statesmen without understanding that they only gave what they had under the prevailing circumstances.

They also do this some other times for support of their political icons forgetting that the entire elites are friends and bare no grudge less for political bashings that remain basically games to them.

Accordingly, I’d like to remind the citizenry of the exceptional strides that Atiku Abubakar and Bola Tinubu had put in to our economy which remains the only bedrock that is still keeping the economy of the country moving. Everyone practically latches on them to be able to pull of some achievements of government.

You may recall that Atiku as the chairman of the economic management of the country between 1999 to 2007 opened the economy to the world by simply assembling sound brains who had the KnowHow and he monitored alongside his boss to ensure they delivered the much they did.

He first identified government had no business doing business and they quickly lobbied the National Assembly to pass the Act on privatization which saw to the setting up of the Bureau of Public Enterprises that was headed by Nasiru Elrufai himself a recruit of Atiku Abubakar to midwife the sale of government businesses that are today still functional like Ntel which provides one of the best bundle services in Abuja, Lagos and Portharcourt.

Regardless of how imperfect, it’s still employing thousands and standing on its feet, imagine what could have happened to her if it was not privatized. So many of the private Telcos are leveraging on their infrastructure to do business, some monies are changing hands through that too.

Recall also that all the policies around IPPIS, GIFMIS, TSA, FIRS etc which ensures mop up of revenues and discourages wastages were babies of an Okonjo Iweala and her lieutenants like Okauru and others. Atiku Abubakar equally shopped these individuals and supervised them to ensure deliveries, every government policies afterwards has leveraged on these policies to be able to make something good of their economic policies.

Nuhu Ribadu was equally recommended by Atiku for recruitment to pilot the setting up of the EFCC and it’s not in doubt how that institution has remained what every administration uses to attempt to fight the almighty corruption.

It was indeed robustly set up as it has stood the test of time. People would accuse him of privatizing to himself and same people will today say he is broke but I have never seen one person that has pointed to what Atiku sold to himself till today.

This space will not be enough to highlight all of Atiku’s economic strides in that era but I have highlighted enough to get people to begin to research and perhaps expand the conversation.

On the other hand, Asiwaju’s economic management of Lagos did no small help to the Nigerian economy as every other Nigerian leaders that have emerged after 2007 have had to leverage on the revenues from Lagos to ramp up VAT collections and subsequent sharing by all tiers of government.

The opening up of the city to beautiful infrastructure had provided an opportunity for the entertainment industry to blossom leading to influx of Forex through international shows as well as the provision of ample employment opportunities.

Little wonder why the young entertainers in lagos don’t care who the next president is, they would rather organize a carnival of a protest like ENDSARS and share food to themselves while dancing- ‘catching cruise’ like it’s said in local parlance.

Asiwaju’s human capital development has also led to the availability of human resource to manage the very difficult task of managing critical sectors. President Muhammadu Buhari would thank such efforts as it provided him ample Human Resources to utilize for his administration.

Therefore, the 2023 elections have presented very fine gentlemen who have utilized their times and opportunities to leave a mark that is undeniable in the history of our dear nation no matter how imperfect. I would continue to wonder who would celebrate ours for us if not us, there is absolutely no reason to continue to denigrate these individuals considering more of the fact that they have learnt appropriate lessons to improve on the lot that they have both achieved if given another opportunity. Recall also that we may not be able to do better if given the opportunity.

Consequently, I submit that head or tail Nigeria stands to benefit from the outcome of the 2023 elections, let us support appropriately, improve the conversations, reduce the bitterness and imbibe optimism and positivity for the hope of a better nation going forward.

God bless Nigeria. Hashim Suleiman can be reached via [email protected]

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​OBITUARY: The memory of Dr Mike Okolo will remain positive and pleasant | Chido Nwakanma

Culled from THE PUBLIC SPHERE with Chido Nwakanma

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Dr Mike Okolo

One week later, the shock of the sudden departure of Dr Mike Okolo is wearing out. But not so the pain and bewilderment. And not the pathos. 

Dr Mike Okolo, Dean of the School of Media & Communication, Pan Atlantic University, passed to the beyond on 6 June 2020 suddenly and without any visible or known ailment.

It stunned his immediate and extended family, including the university he had served for so long.  

Okolo was a corporate communication consultant with vast experience in all aspects of corporate/public affairs. He had a track record in Internal Communication, Issues and Crisis Management, Event Management and Communication Audits.

Dr Mike Okolo
| Dr Mike Okolo during a lecture session at SMC-PAU

He also taught Public Speaking and Presentation Skills. 

Okolo had a PhD in Sciences from the University of Benin (1982), an MSc in Strategic Communication at the University of Central Lancashire (2014), and a 2020 PhD in Communication from the University of Navarra, Spain. 

He was the pioneer Corporate Affairs Manager of the Lagos Business School and also served as Alumni Relations Director. He was a classroom maestro: fair, firm, and considerate. 

Visiting is painful because of seeing how this loss affected his partner, friend and wife, Mrs Rosemary Okolo, erstwhile Registrar of the Pan Atlantic University and faculty in the School of Management. They were the ideal couple, even sharing lunch time together.

Visit you must, though, bearing in mind the message of Solomon. 

Eccl. 7:2-4: “It is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting: for that is the end of all men, and the living will lay it to his heart. 3 Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance, the heart is made better. 4 The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.”

Dr Mike Okolo was the Dean of the School of Media & Communication. It was a richly deserved appointment in 2020 after the NUC forced on him a circuitous journey to a second PhD that paid no heed to his contributions to setting up the school. He stepped down the first time following NUC refusal on the grounds of lacking a PhD in communication and then set out to get it. 

That journey epitomized Dr Okolo. He was focused, dedicated and committed. When and if he sets out on a course, he stays on it until accomplishment. 

He was dapper in the best traditions of the corporate world. 

The Fundamental Fs of Life mattered to the late academic. The Fundamental Fs are faith, family and friends. There are two other Fs of fame and fortune, but the Fundamental Fs speak to the essence of life. 

Dr Mike Okolo
| Dr Okolo and Mr. Nwakanma

The Three Fs that mattered to Dr Okolo play out boldly in his passing. Even in their sorrow, the Okolo family not only affirm their faith but also evangelises. As you sign the condolence register, they offer you an Opus Dei prayer card. Okolo belonged to Opus Dei, a prelature of the Catholic Church that urges Christians to find God in their daily lives and sanctify their work. “Wherever your yearnings, your work, your affections are, that is the place for your daily encounter with Christ. It is there in the midst of the most material things of the earth, that we must sanctify ourselves, serving God and all people”, in the words of Saint Josemaria Escriva, founder. 

I had the privilege of teaching two Okolo children as undergraduates. They reflected good breeding or what I now term WBU children. Well Brought Ups (WBU) are a walking statement of the values of their families. These children were ideal students: they were studious, dedicated and focused. They comported themselves so decorously no one could tell that their parents were part of senior management, unlike many children in such positions. No surprise that they graduated with the highest honours. 

Dr Okolo had a stern appearance until he offers his beatific smile. His smile is warm, friendly and reassuring. Oh, I should say was. It is still difficult to speak of him in the past tense. 

Okolo led a team of postgraduate students to Birmingham City University as part of course requirements. Years of teaching professionals guided his conduct. He provided guidelines and then allowed everyone to express themselves. 

Okolo was scrupulous and meticulous in every endeavour. He cared about nutrition and fitness. On that trip, he enjoyed the long walks on the campus of the University of Oxford. Walking was a regular pastime. It was thus strange to hear of a sudden cough and heart attack as the immediate cause of his death. This life is soChukwuma. 

Take heart, dear Okolo family that Dr Mike left behind. You have a solid foundation of nurture and extensive goodwill that business managers now recognise as a tangible asset with strong valuation. Take heart, SMC family, academic and professional colleagues. The memory of Dr Mike Okolo will remain positive and pleasant. 

Dr Mike Okolo
| Burial (arrangement) announcement

The mortal remains of Dr Mike Okolo will be committed to mother earth on 24 June 2022 after masses in Lagos and Asaba.

[NB: This article was first published on Mr. Nwakanma’s FB page]

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